When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her
heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem
titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months
after the break-up, at 3:00am on a Saturday night, he will
call and say, "I just called to let you know that you ruined
my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and
you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You I
Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made
it at least once. There are community colleges that offer
courses to help men get over this need.
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving
back to her place as part of the foreplay.
In the locker room men talk about three things: money,
football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't
know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they
fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room: sex. And not
in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-yr old females
can function as adults. Most 17-yr old males are still
trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after
gym class. This is why school romances rarely work out.
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women.
This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art,
while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be
seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of
a naked body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
A man has six items in his bathroom - at toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the
Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical
woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to
identify most of these items.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out
to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the
only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer.
Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women
aren't looking, men kick cats.
Ahh children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and
romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including
his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago,
before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.
Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat.
This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old American
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections
in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety
of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological
changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with
Menopause in men provoke uniform reaction -- they buy
aviator glasses, snazzy French caps and leather driving
gloves, and go shopping for a Porsche.
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach
the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out
of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys
simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.
Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones.
Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small
robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games.
Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6
D-batteries to operate.
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies
has been produced by a man.
Men will only show their asses, because ass size doesn't
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any
more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named
A woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes.
She's using the same time as when a man says the football
game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is
counting time-outs, commercials, or replays.
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.
Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night,
most of which are "Pass the Doritos", or "got any more
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in
restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never
in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a
restaurant table by saying: "Hey Tom, I was just about to
take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never
met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.
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