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Here is a selection of actual answering machine messages.

> My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if
you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as
soon as we're finished.

> Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If
you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me
enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If
you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

> Hi. Now you say something.

> Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so
you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

> Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

> Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.

> Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine
just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her
calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your
message, just hold it up to the phone.

> Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows,
or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to
charity through their office and do not need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number
and they will get back to you.

> This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll think about returning your call.

> Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't
like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's

> Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone
until I call you back.

> If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning
our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us
a message.

> You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You
feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your
willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you
hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave
your name, number, and a message.

> Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will
be used by us.

> Hello. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties.
You know what to do.

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