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Martha says. . . C Connelly mcgil mmmg@netscape.net MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the
paper
cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit
of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always
hold it with your
hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing
for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and
picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the
screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a
wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may
get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure
suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles,
even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in your sights.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle
with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct
tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral
procession.



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