Staten Island Web logo



Puzzling over the code on the card given to him by Margo, Charlton Hairsuit was startled when he heard a police whistle blow. Coming down the row of vehicles from the bow of the Mary Murray was Rumpohlstilskin blowing his lifeguard's whistle. He had been delivering a bottle of Old Overholt Rye to the captain from the ferry terminal liquor store when the boat got underway before he could get off.

Rs (as Rumpohlstilskin will be called hereafter) was shocked to see both men and women congregating together around the crap game. It was a SI custom that on the lower deck ladies went to the women's smoking cabin and the gents went to the men's smoking cabin for the duration of the ride. (Anybody remember when the boats had these segregated cabins?). Rs hoped he could correct this breach of common decency by blowing his whistle and getting the appropriate genders into their correct cabins. He yelled: "Hey break it up there, youse know better than that! You girls better get over to the women's side if yer gonna hang around the lower deck!"

Charlton Hairsuit panicked because he recognized rs as the lifeguard who blew the whistle on him at South Beach. He ran over to the men's smoking cabin and tried to make himself as inconspicuous as possible. He sat next to a muscular, tanned, platinum haired person dressed in an L.L. Bean safari suit complete with a Jungle Jim hat. He looked down and noticed the person had an NRA approved Gucci Handbag autographed by himself, Charlton Hairsuit. The person was looking in a compact mirror and alternately plucking his eyebrows, squeezing zits and admiring his profile from either side in the mirror.

Noticing his interest, the stranger looked at Charlton Hairsuit and lisped: "Hi there, haven't I theen you hanging on a croth somewhere?" Charlton, desperate for cover put out his hand and gave the stranger the secret NRA handshake: scratching the other's palm with his index finger. The other replied: "Oh, you're one of uth! Aren't you our president, Charlton Hairsuit? I'm tho pleezed to meet you! I'm Tiny Tim. You may have read about me in Hoftopia#9 (4/10/98) and my story, "Tiptoe thru the Tulips"."

Charlton quickly explained that he had escaped from Richmond County Jail and was now afraid he would be recaptured on this !@#$$$%!! ferryboat from Hell (which he considered SI to be). As a fellow NRA member, could Tiny Tim help prevent him from being discovered? Tiny reached in his NRA approved Gucci handbag and gave Charlton a wig, ladies' clothing and a makeup kit. He then helped Charlton get dressed and made up in drag so that he was able to slip out of the men's smoking cabin and cross over to the women's side.

Once inside the women's cabin, he sat down next to the widow, Winnie Wong. He noticed that in addition to multiple jade rings, Winnie was also wearing a Captain Midnight secret decoder ring. He asked her if she could decode the proprietor's name from the numbers on the "Shadow Enterprises" business card. She twisted the dials on the ring and within a few seconds gave Charlton Hairsuit the Shadow's real name: LaMont Cranston.

Charlton was so grateful he reached inside his bra to pay Winnie Wong with the dollar bill he thought Tiny Tim stuffed in there as "mad money". To his chagrin, it was not a dollar bill but a label from an Ovaltine bottle and written on it was another numerical code. He asked Winnie if she could decode this code also. We will make an exception here, and let you Bosco drinkers in on the secret message: GO TO HOFTOPIA #26



Staten Island WebŪ Forums Index.