General Thoughts on the Human Condition George Jaenicke grjaenicke firstname.lastname@example.org
General Thoughts on the Human Condition
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.
When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh”.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.”-Lily Tomlin
“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said,”Would you like some fries with that?”
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself.
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
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