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The Merger George Jaenicke grjaenicke The Merger

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it
was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah
will merge.

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about
1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is
believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and
eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By
combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy
consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah,
as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords-a-leaping and maids a-milking
being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,
currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming
unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the
message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus
and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their
gifts. One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least
three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could
leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner.
A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be

All sides appeared happy about this. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc.,
declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works
as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent
existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might
indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the
competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing
rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

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