December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 - Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine
tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 - Debug Windows '98.
December 8 - Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade with beeswax from my backyard bee colony.
December 9 - Record own Christmas album complete with 4-part harmony and all instrument
accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved ones.
December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 - Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled myself. Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by hand making snow and playing my Christmas album.
December 13 - Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for
decorative pie crusts.
December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are
shot out at mall.
December 17 - Childproof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height
when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioners' sugar to add a
festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon
December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last
minute Christmas shopping, thus making people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade
December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 - Build showman in exact likeness of The Lord.
December 28 - Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 29 - Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I wove myself used to
represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local orphanages.
December 30 - Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive branches, to signify desire of world peace.
December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time
zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
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