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WASHINGTON, DC - On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No
Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection
for more than 135 million talentless Americans.

The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is
being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S.
citizens who lack any real skills or uses. "Roughly 50 percent of Americans
- through no fault of their own - do not possess the talent necessary to
carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a
longtime ANA supporter.

"Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end
busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, filling out mail-in rebates
for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that
nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the
American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not
a reality."

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar
sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose
and ability. Mandatory, non-performance based raises and promotions will
also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most
unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled
workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for
every two talented hirees.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures
to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective
employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to
this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you
an asset to this company?"

"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with
co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost
her position as a non-essential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler
last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really
help people like me."

With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions
of other untalented, unessential citizens can finally see a light at the end
of the tunnel.

Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to
provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of
value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

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