A Blonde is out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second Blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? So he goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
An army 2nd Lt in assigning his platoon for the day, takes them to the middle of the desert. He divides them into four squads and sends them in arbitrary directions, telling them not to come back until they found something. A mere half hour later one of the squads returns stating to have found a bacon tree. Enraged by their obvious lie the 2nd Lt tells them to take him to their so-called bacon tree. So they march off and after about a 15 minute hike, what do they find but a bacon tree in the middle of the desert.
At that exact moment an enemy soldier jumps out from behind the tree and guns them all down screaming victoriously:
"HA HA HA, you thought it was a bacon tree, but actually it is a ham bush!"
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep.
But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we eat in or take out?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
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