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"Christmas is Coming"

One thing that drives me absolutely nuts is the fact that most stores insist on putting out Christmas decorations before Halloween has even arrived. People stand around and laugh and say, "Christmas comes earlier every year!", When I hear that, I want to hit them with the stuff you pull from the inside of a pumpkin and say, "No it doesn't! Christmas comes at the same time every year, December 25th. Check your calendars!" I then eagerly grab up the Halloween candy that's been put on discount because stores are trying to make people ignore Thanksgiving and start thinking about picking out an aluminum tree. But there is one part of Christmas that I can never start too early, and that's the shopping. I'm not a big fan of shopping, and I'm the sort of guy who sometimes procrastinates even on things I enjoy, so I always get started later than I'd like. This year, however, I've been going through the assorted junk mail and picking out things for those hard-to-buy-for people on my list. Here are a few things I've found:

A submarine.
I'm not kidding. In two separate catalogs I found a submarine that, for the amazingly economical price of $30,000, will take two people to a maximum depth of 200 feet. A valid scuba license is required. Apparently the designers overlooked the fact that, with the proper safety precautions, a scuba diver can dive to 300 feet, but I guess the submarine is for scuba divers who don't want to mess up their hair.

A wearable computer.
You carry a CPU in a backpack, keep the keyboard in one hand, and wear an eyepiece over your right eye to see the screen. According to the designer, you can check your e-mail while talking to your friends. Actually this isn't for anyone on my list. Anyone who checks their e-mail while talking to friends soon doesn't have any friends.

Chewing tobacco.
Hey, it's economical, and, for those friends and relatives of mine who smoke, it's the perfect solution. Non-smokers complain that smoking is filthy, disgusting, and rude. Besides, there are a lot of places where smoking isn't allowed. I figure after a few weeks of watching smokers chew and spit, intolerant non-smokers will be begging them to light up. And if not, I can always get them one of those handy wearable computers.

--Unknown Joker

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