Christmukah holiday! Is Kwanzaa next?
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was
announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will
An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300
years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not
available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having 12
days of Christmas and 8 days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both
organizations. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to
enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 20 Days of Christmukah,
as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords
a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,
currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible
to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating "A great miracle happened
there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff
happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa
Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts.
In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least
three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave
milk & cookies for Santa after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough
came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. Both
organizations hailed this as a win-win.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of
Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were
it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between
Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the
holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to
maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing
rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."
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