How to shower like a woman:
Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 73 degrees.
Carefully fold and place in clothes hamper.
Walk to bathroom.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
Position the shower nozzle away from you and turn on the water.
Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes and fret.
Imagine you are a movie star or celebrity.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair. (This takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off.)
Shave armpits and evaluate if there is time left for legs.
Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
Use pumice stone to soften rough spots on feet.
Use massage mitt to reduce cellulite on thighs.
Use nail brush to clean toe nails.
Scream loudly when your husband runs the faucet and you get a rush of cold water.
Cover your entire body in baby oil.
Turn hot water on full and rinse off, making shower dangerous and slippery for husband.
Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot, or new hair in an unwanted place.
Apply body lotion from the neck down. Moisturize. Moisturize!
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown, with your hair wrapped in a towel like a turban. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, and then rush to bedroom.
How to shower like a man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along the way, flash her.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your beer gut, and see if you have any pecs.
Turn on the water, notice the jet blast in ear.
Check for pecs again.
Stumble into the shower like an ox.
Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)
Wash your face. (Not compulsory.)
Whistle a few bars of the Irish Spring song.
Wash your armpits. (Not compulsory.)
Wash your groin area.
Wash your behind.
Cough up anything that might be lodged in the back of your throat.
Shampoo your hair with the blue bar of deodorant soap. (No need for conditioner.)
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Get a drink from the shower, swish, and swallow.
Sample your wife's Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake bodywash.
Pee in the shower.
Blow your right nostril.
Blow your left nostril.
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Return to the bedroom wearing a towel. If you pass your wife, flash her.
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