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Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the h*ll she is.
Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifer

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
Jay Leno

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
Mike Binder

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
Stephen Leacock

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
Roger Simon

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Pearl Williams

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
Billiam Coronel


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