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"Winterize your lawn," the big sign outside the garden store commanded.
I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die
anyway. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late.

Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of
thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace,
thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally,so we can
grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency.

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St.
Francis about this:

"Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is
going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect,
no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of
songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I
see are these green rectangles.

"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They
started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill
them and replace them with grass."

"Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all
that grass growing there?"

"Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
other plant that crops up in the lawn."
"The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast.
That must make the Suburbanites happy."

"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it
sometimes twice a week."

"They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"

"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."
"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

"Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

"Yes, sir."

"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on
the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves
them a lot of work."

"You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so
fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer
stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they
fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the
soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot,the leaves
form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."

You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.
As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have
them hauled away."

No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter
and keep the soil moist and loose?"

"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they
call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the

And where do they get this mulch?"

"They cut down trees and grind them up."

"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.

you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us

"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."

"Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."

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