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SubTitle: The Doc's Discovery
Posted by: DAN BLAINE (100.53680@germanynet.de) on 5/22/1998@07:55hrs:
Things had settled down at the castle, OT was safely back in Richmond County Jail and the yet to be named triplets were thriving on mother's milk (no formula for these kids...their mother led a non-smoking healthy lifestyle)
Doc Sunderson compiled all of his lab data that he had painstakingly been entering on his TRS-80 model 1...he had fancier and faster machines at his disposal, but microsoft and intel didn't have the hardware and software to produce meaningful results....too many bells and whistles permeated with bugs.
This is what he discovered: the jelly-like substance produced by combining and cooking the Claxton Fruit Cake and R&H beer did indeed increase the bosom size of the female subjects...but this was a secondary effect due to the primary causal effect. Namely, this jelly- like substance, when applied externally to mating pairs reduced the friction between them and they tended to mate more frequently. This in turn led to a higher incidence of pregnancy among the female subjects. The pregnancy caused the female subjects breasts' to increase in size!
Timothy Lee had also sealed a deal for delivery of production quantities of the Claxton Fruit Cake, with one condition that he explained in his last fax to Doc Sunderson:
After being escorted by Rufus Redneck to the Klaxton Kake Kompany's factory outlet, the Greenman, Donna Divine, Avrim and Timothy were overwhelmed at the size of the complex! It was built on 10acres of land and in addition to the Kake outlet, it also had shops where one could buy: fireworks, cigarettes, rubber and real aligators, postcards and other sovenirs and also a place selling the "Kolonel's Krispy Kooked" fried chicken.
The Greenman said: "hey, let's get some chicken before Timothy starts "hondling with the headmacher". That sounded good, as they were all hungry and they had heard about Southern Fried Chicken all their lives but had never tasted the "real thing".
They walked into the chicken place and took a booth close to the cash register. All of a sudden, the Greenman yelled "Watch Out" as an axe handle came whizzing down toward the back of Timothy's head. Before Timothy could duck, a forearm with a chow mein noodle scar on it got between the handle and his head and the wooden handle shattered on the forearm.
Lester Maalox, foaming at the mouth, yelled at Ma Fei Mai, "that's it, pack up y'all's sack and clear out of here...raught now. And as for you boy, what makes you think that I'd ever let the likes of you get a piece of mah Kolonel'sKrispy Kooked chicken?"
Ma Fei Mai slung his rucksack on his back and left the store, touching the brim of his floppy hat and smiling shyly at the group of SIder's. Kolonel Ken Kleagle, who saw the commotion from his bank of security scanning monitors, hustled down to the chicken complex.
As he entered the chicken store, he calmed Lester Maalox down and asked what the problem was. Lester pointed atTimothy and still foaming a little told Kolonel Ken that "thet one thar" had the nerve to come in here and order a piece of the "Kolonel's Krispy Kooked" chicken.
A word here about Kolonel Ken Kleagle. Although he was the son of a grand Kleagle and the grandson of a Great Grand Kleagle, he had been educated in one of the most enlightened schools in the deep south: Florida State University and was a Seminole to the core. This was in sharp contrast to the other members of his klan, who either went to the U of A at Birmingham or that real pit of backwards rebel ignorance, the U of F at Gainsville. (mocklingly called the "Gators" because the personalities of the student body matched that reptile)
Kolonel Ken had learned modern marketing techniques and how to turn a buck. He asked the Greenman what was it they wanted? The Greenman replied: "you need to talk to our leader, who has a business proposition for you." and he pointed at Timothy. Lester Maalox was flabbergasted and snuck away.
Kolonel Ken Kleagle now addressed Timothy Lee: "What is it I can do for you, Suh?" Timothy explained how he and his partner had developed an "elixer" that would revolutionize married life by reducing the friction between couples, and one of the main ingredients was Claxton Fruit Cake. He futhermore stated that they could guarantee to order at least 1,000 fruit cakes per month and that the Kolonel would be entitled to a bonus of 3% over invoice cost if he could deliver on time.
Kolonel Ken Kleagle thought it over, and, as a man used to making quick decisions, said to Timothy...OK, I'll agree on two conditions: 1. The Fruit Cake shipped to y'all will be packed in plain brown boxes labeled "Kake, Yankee"....this was to prevent Lester and his cousins in the cake factory from protesting.
2. The Kolonel always wanted to know what kind of restaurant he, (the Kolonel) could open on SI that would fill a niche not yet taken.
Timothy thought a while, and then said "You should open a Southwest, Tex-Mex style place, there are none on SI worth a Tinker's Damn and you'll be able to get free advertising on a local web site."
The Kolonel thought this was an excellent idea, and started to call his lawyer on his cell phone to come and draw up the contracts...Timothy said: "That's not necessary, we'll just shake hands on the deal (after the Irish custom).
As Doc Sunderson saw the first heavily laden chain-drive Brookhatten
trucks pull up with the boxes labeled "Kake, Yankee" stenciled on them, he an inspiration...they would call the product "K-Y Jelly!"