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Posted by: DAN BLAINE (100.53680@germanynet.de) on 5/03/1998@23:29hrs:
(ed. note: the following is a copy of an internal memo that was obtained by our ace reporter Walter B. Cronical from a source at Borough Hall known only as "deep leak")
Memo to: DA Charlsey
cc: special investigator BOBC. Lumbo, LAPD
classification: most secret and confidential (internal 120th precinct only)
Subj: Evidence and Witnesses
On the 20th of April, 19XX at 1600 hrs., myself and my partner visited the Ralston store located on Manor Road, town of Four Corners (pronounced faw cawnahs by the natives), county of Richmond, SI NY (postal zone 14). This was in response to a call placed by the manager, Mr. J. Stafford formerly of county Wexford, Ireland and now a US citizen.
He informed me that the accused, OT (aka Marcene B.) inveigled him into giving her a jar of Ovaltine on the pretext that her mother had sent her to get it and would settle up with him when she did her weekly grocery shopping.
After she left, Mr. Stafford called OT's mother on the phone and discovered that the order was a hoax. He then called me and my partner; Sgt. Joe Friday and officer Frank Smith (temporarily assigned to the NYPD from the LAPD) to track down the perp, and failing that at least find some evidence and proof that would lead to the apprehension of the suspect.....DUM-DE-DUM-DUM.
With my partner Frank Smith, we found smears of oleomargarine on the door handle of the store. Around the corner from the store, we discovered a mitten that had the same oleo smell as that on the store's door handle. In the empty lot next to the store we discovered roller skate tracks in the mud which we followed to the alley behind the store....DUM-DE-DUM-DUM!
There we found a runaway waif from Mt. Loretto who was crying and bent over a sick dog who was regurgitating and eating grass. She identified herself as Little Often Annie and her sick dog as Sandy. She claimed to have been walking her dog in the alley when he pulled free from his leash and started licking a granulated chocolate colored substance out of a jar which had had the label removed....DUM-DE-DUM-DUM!
In my opinion, it is hard to determine whether or not Little Often Annie will be a reliable witness...looking in her eyes, I was not able to see anything!.....DUM-DE-DUM-DUM-DAHHH!
The evidence has been sent to the forensic lab run by Dr. Sunderson at Horrman's castle.
Respectfully submitted, Officers Joe Friday and Frank Smith
Addenda: DA Charlsey; please pass this further note on to the LAPD:
Dear Boss: I know we screwed up the other "O?" case, but I don't think that's enough reason to banish us to this hole...we can't understand the language, there are no Taco-Tias and we had to exchange our Smith&Wesson service revolvers for toilet plungers! (called "plumber's helpers" by the natives.)
Meanwhile: D.BLIVIT and the Mick were splitting up the proceeds of the money they obtained...D.BLIVIT had sold the secret memos to Walter Cronicle...he was the highest bidder...the Star Ledger bid the price up somewhat and of course the SI Advance didn't bid at all, they would plagarize the story off the web. The Mick supplied the plumber's helpers from Hagar's stock and then sold the S&W's to the IRA...they both hoped that OT would be found guilty...then there would be appeals and they could carry their scams out longer.