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Posted by: Art (artnscience-(at)-yahoo.com) on 3/27/1998@09:11hrs:
To Gina, Charlsey, rs, ot and the others on the Gathering.
I understand. You have my admiration and respect. Integrity is what it is all about, and the courage to act on that integrity is important. From your postings, I have come to admire your wisdom. Nothing has changed that. We all make mistakes in life. My apparent "attitude" that comes out in my writing (despite constant struggle on my part) was shaped by the fact that I was supposed to be the savior whose achievements gave my two alcoholic parents the right to stand up proud when they walked down the streets. On the surface I was "perfect' underneath there was unspoken rage. Because they were "phoney," I developed an extreme pugnaceousness for phoneyness whenever I saw it. This didn't help me much in my career because phoneyness is rampant in Medicine and Science. When I said I admire you, it is because you are definitely not a phoney. I don't care where you were earlier in your life's passage. The person I met on the web is not a phoney and I respect you for that.
As a recovering "perfect" child of alcoholic parents, I am usually oversensitive about being misunderstood. Often my being misunderstood by my parents had dangerous physical or emotional consequences for me. They would probably call me crazy for saying this about them but the facts were that my father never fell asleep sober and my mother was usually "tired" when I got home from school. Half-full Christian brothers sherry and Four Roses bottles could be found among the stuff in closets all over the house, but "they were not alcoholics" because ..........!
It was not until about 7 years ago, when my inability to be intimate almost lead to my divorce that I started finding out these things about myself. I went to a group for adult children of alcoholic parents and allowed the demons to come out. It was hard work being honest with ourselves and with each other. What I gained from the experience was that I cherish other people much more and I love myself more. It is just as you mentioned. You have to bring the happiness up within yourself rather than have it come in from the outside. Sometimes I slip and feel hurt when people don't automatically show me respect and admiration, but I am working on it. I also found out that while being unable to get in touch with my feelings I would convert "Embarassment or Fear" to "Aggression" "Insecurity" to "Extreme Confidence" "etc.".
I suppose my insecurity about entering the new environment of web chat rooms was behind my trying to be a know it all. Last night, I got what I deserved for sparring with Charlsey. I can feel her frustration and pain when the world lets her down. Or when things that are out of our personal control, like rudeness or odors of others incroach on our space. I have been there myself. Although it would be right to just say I agree or to try to give comfort, I yield to the tendency to lecture or preach. What a mistake that is/was. She got after me the way I used to get after other "phoneys."
We are all God's children.
My grandmother used to say, "It's a great life if you don't weaken." I would always walk away thinking to myself why one shouldn't weaken if it really was a great life. In the Washington post this morning, someone said that the problem (that the shooting in Arkansas pointed out) is that it takes very hard work to be a responsible parent. People are not doing that work. I think that is the meaning of "if you don't weaken" in my grandmother's plea. What she meant is, to maintain the sustained strength of character, be available to provide discipline and instruction, work hard at having fun and continue to do this dispite external adversity, you must not weaken. I no longer think that "if you don't weaken" means to sustain a lie against all inquiries in order to save face or to sustain other dysfunctional thoughts.
This country used to or at least it seemed to) have public role models we could look up to and emulate. Now we see public figures living up to the second "if you don't weaken" definition. I don't think that is a good example. I also don't think is useful to whine publicly about it.
Art