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Posted by: DAN BLAINE (100.53680@germanynet.de) on 11/17/1997@06:36hrs:
1. Have you ever noticed: anybody going slower that you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
3. The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
4. I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said: "I'd like fries." The girl at the counter said: "Would you like some fries with that?"
5. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
6. If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
7. Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.
8. PC's should have next to the "Intel Inside" sticker an additional label that says "Best if used by------".
9. During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity of its' space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at the cost of about $1 million U.S. dollars. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
11. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
12. The graduate with a Science degree asks: "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks: "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks: "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks: "Do you want fries with that?"
13. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
14. The Lord's prayer has 66 words. The Gettysburg Address has 286 words. There are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
15. Half the people in the world are below average.
16. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
17. On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK!"
18. Suppose you were an idiot....And suppose you were a member of
Congress...But I repeat myself.